WIAW cellphone edition

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After yesterdays post¬†the internet at my house decided to stop working ūüė¶ Apparently we overloaded our router with too many wireless devices…oops. I cant¬†get to my comments or see other blogs right now. I’m also¬†having to do this post from my phone so its mostly¬†pictures. Fortunately since its WIAW, i¬†dont¬†need alot of words ūüôā

I woke up still feeling sick but my new therapist has told me to give my stomach a break and stay away from processed foods and sugar for a while. So this morning I decided maybe a green monster would help my tummy detox.

Green monster with spinach, nanner, almond milk, and bloobs

After 3 hours of work i¬†was actually feeling better ūüôā So i¬†grabbed lunch at work (since i¬†get it half price). It was good and its great to be able to eat meals until im full!!!

Chicken sandwich with lettuce, tomato, mustard and side of rice pilaf

My therapist wants me to focus on eating until im full and eating only every 3 hours. This is hard, all i¬†want to do is diet! I know in the long run that will leave me hungry and bingeing later on though. Still Ive¬†been told that it may take 6 months to get my body back to a more desirable weight!!! ugh…First i¬†have to let my brain know im not starving myself, then let my tummy know im not abusing it anymore, then maybe i cant diet THE RIGHT WAY!!!

Frosty with my grandparents (big mistake)

Ive¬†heard this from other bloggers and my parents too so I know it’s probably¬†true. It just hurts to know when i¬†go back to school¬†in january I may not be¬†at the “perfect weight” At least Ill finally be able to eat normally ūüôā

I think i¬†kind of overdid the eating the rest of the day ūüė¶ I should have listened when my dr said to take it easy for a 7-10 days so i can detox.

hummus and pita (mistake #2)

If you have any advice on overcoming overeating and losing the weight please email me, comment here…call me beep me if you wanna reach me ya know? haha seriously though i would be so grateful for anything!!!

salmon, broccoli, rice

I also went to bible study with my grandparents tonight, i cant weight¬†to get my internet back tomorrow because¬†it was defiantly¬†a night to talk about ūüôā Heres a sneak peak, the scripture from tonight:

“Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives‚Äô tales; rather, train yourself to be¬†godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.”¬† 1 Timothy 4:7-8

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A case of the sniffles

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As I sit here typing this I am experiencing chills, headache, and nausea ūüė¶

Trust me if I had a web cam there would be a pic right here of me in all my sick-looking, bed-head glory.

I havent been so kind to my body lately with my sleeping and eating habits. I guess it started with some bad¬†eating habits over labor day and then continued when i¬†went to Rockhill and on my sister’s birthday ūüė¶ Looking at the scale wasnt too pretty either!!

Whenever i¬†feel guilty about my weight, I also have trouble sleeping. So after 2 weeks of that my body is revolting ūüė¶

I usually¬†dont¬†go into detail about my slip-ups¬†on here because Im¬†kind of sacred¬†it would freak people out? It’s easy to¬†admit I made mistakes and abused my body in the past. It’s really¬†hard to be¬†honest and say when i abuse it in the present.¬† Its hard to¬†say that I’m still making mistakes.

I know that getting over an eating disorder means you will make mistakes as you get well. But what about people who read this and have¬†no idea about eating disorders? If¬†she really wanted to get well¬†she wouldn’t be making all these mistakes!!

Last night i¬†went out to dinner with 2 of best friends and another girl. My friends know ive dealt with eating¬†issues, but they have no clue how much i¬†still struggle. To them, im well because I’m a healthy weight again. The other girl went on and on about how thin our waitress was and how girls with eating disorders think they are better than other people, are crazy, and just need to eat!!

I kept quiet, but it scares me to know that if anyone knew how much i really struggle that they would think all those things about me!!

For the next few days im hoping eating healthy, not skipping meals, and resting will get my body back in check. Its so difficult to keep eating healthy after days of over eating, but its the most important step in overcoming bingeing!!

Hope everyone has an amazing rest of the week!!

PS my friend in Rockhill knew I was sick so she sent me hours of amusement through Youtube. Heres my favorite so far….

 

 

 

I’M BACK!!!

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I had the most amazing weekend!! I went up to Rockhill to visit my best friend from middle/high school and I feel so refreshed!! I never got to go away to college or live on my own so its nice to get to go away for 3 days and stay in a big girl apartment with a friend. It also reminds me why its so nice to be healthy!! Last year this time i was so thin i had to go to the doctor every other day just to be allowed to walk around campus, let alone leave town for 3 days!!

Its nice to spend time with someone who gets you, without even saying anything we just know what the other is thinking!! I feel no pressure to lose weight or act anyway but myself around her! It really makes me wonder if i hadnt gotten sick would I have gone off to college? would she and I be roommates?

Its not that i dont like going to USC, but its hard when your best friend is always an hour away!! I forgot what it was like to spend time with someone i can really be myself around!!

I guess it gives me something to think about, anyway heres a little picture recap from this weekend:

Her apartment was awesome:

Yea im super cute when i first wake up ūüôā

After my sisters party friday night i¬†drove up to Rockhill and got in around midnight. (I may have sped a little). We spent time watching some of our favorite movies (Mean girls, TITANIC) and reciting every word ūüôā

apparently the 10th anniversary edition of the DVD comes with these awesome pics on the inside!! Of course we had to put it on display!!

How I can memorize a 4 hour movie but not anything I learn in chemistry class is beyond me. (maybe if Leo taught it I would remember?)

Onto the eats….

Turkey burger from a place on campus where you create your own burger on a touch screen!! Why doesnt USC have this??

Captains Bounty Salad from a local place called Michael's (strawberry, bell pepper, feta, olives, cukes and a homemade strawberry dressing)

They also had these AWESOME cinnamon-sugar sweet tater fries!! Seriously GO TO EAT THERE!!!!

We baked bloob muffins for breakfast one morning (aka just added water and baked)

Nest mornings breakfast consisted of starbucks PUMPKIN SCONES and fraps

and of course the weekend wouldnt be the same without froyo ūüôā

I also FINALLY got to go see The Help!! There was not one seat left in the theatre and this movie has been out for a month!! And it was a pretty big theatre!! Seriously GO SEE IT!! Emma Stone does an amazing job and its one of those movies that actually is as good as the book ūüôā

Also being around a girl my age 24/7 for three days made me take a good look at my eating habits. Since shes one of my few friend who knows all about my eating disorder (seriously she may know more than my parents) she doesnt mind me asking questions too. My friend is exactly 1/2 an inch shorter than me and eats horriblY!! Yet she weighs 5 lbs less than me? I will NEVER understand it. I spent the weekend eating turkey burgers and salad and she eats candy bars, real burgers, and fried sweet taters covered in sugar?? I know its wrong to compare us, but maybe im being too hard on myself with all this dieting? It almost makes me think about food and want some foods more!!

Phew…what a weekend, and what alot¬†to think about!! Any advice given to me at this point i would be SO THANKFUL FOR!!! I hope you all had an awesome weekend too!!!

HAPPY 14TH BIRTHDAY!!!

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Today is my little sisters 14th birthday….

“Sisters don’t need words. They have perfected a language of snarls and smiles and frowns and winks, sniffs and snorts, gasps and sighs – that can undermine any tale you’re telling. ”

“If you don’t understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time…you were probably an only child.”

“In the cookies of life, sisters are the chocolate chips.”

“My sister taught me everything I really need to know, and she was only in sixth grade at the time” (truth!!)

“I smile because shes my sister, I laugh because there is nothing¬†she can do about it!”

“Having a sister is like having a best friend you can’t get rid of. You know whatever you do, they’ll still be there.” – Amy Li

“A younger sister is someone to use as a guinea-pig in experimental go-carts. Someone to send on messages to Mom. Someone who needs you, who comes to you with bumped heads and grazed knees. Someone who trusts you to defend her. Someone who thinks you know the answers to almost everything.”

“You can kid the world. But not your sister.”

“She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she’s the reason you wish you were an only child.” ~ Barbara Alpert

Typical...

HAPPY 14TH¬†BIRTHDAY EMILY!! I LOVE YOU ‚̧

Thats why her hair is so big, it’s full of secrets

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Ever seen this movie??

"I can fit my whole fist in my mouth"

HILARIOUS!! I mean I can practically recite every line ūüôā

Its like I have ESPN or something?!”

Unfortunately, its not¬†funny when you are living it ūüė¶

I spent most of highschool absolutely miserable because I felt left out or not good enough. I thought when I got to college it would all go away, it didnt.

I blame some of it¬†on my low self-esteem¬†and the fact I overreact¬†to a lot things with other girls because of my past. I blame another part¬†of it for pushing myself to be¬†in a sorority with¬†250 some other girls, that’s just asking for drama right?

Do I really need a sorority if it makes me miserable? But should I really leave something where I found a some completely totally awesome girls last year who gave me the confidence to gain weight and be healthy? where I found some girls who showed me what it really means to have a relationship with God?

Maybe its just my eating disorder that blows up every little situation and makes me feel so horrible in social situations?!

USC has over 20,000 undergrads, yet i cant seem to escape the same few girls who seem to make my life miserable. They have never said anything mean to my face, but its the its things they dont say to me, or the things done behind my back.

My parents,friends, and other bloggers have reminded me God is going to bring people in and out my life and I just have to accept it. The ones that are meant to stay, just will. Friendships that are meant to happen, will just click.

Who cares how many friends i have, how many Facebook wall post i get per day, or if I have a party to get to every night?? In the end I know its only my friendship with God that matters!!

After a really tough past two weeks Im¬†going to visit a really good friend at her college in Rockhill!! Hopefully she will make¬†me feel better ūüôā Plus tomorrow is my all time best friends birthday…MY LIL SISTER ‚̧

PS Thank you for all the food and running suggestions!! I now have a Daily Mile account and have logged miles this week! As far as what Ive been eating….YOGURT

my stash from 9 days ago that now GONE

Recommendation from this girl:

love this idea and it was sooo good!!

yog with raspberries and cereal!

frozen yogurt popsicles (recipe to come)

sweet tater with yogurt dip

baked tater with yog topping

Not to mention the yogurt ive used in smoothies and oatmeal!! Ive also been eating a lot of sweet taters and chocolate (wait, i thought i was trying to lose weight?!)

Do you do go through food phases? Have you ever experienced “mean” girls or felt left out? Any advice??

You know you have become addicted to running when…..

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I used to hate running, HATE!!!! Now I actually find it relaxing.

Crazy sweaty girl say what???

I know, I never expected to start liking it either!! But lately I’ve become addicted, How do I know??

1. I’m saving my money for these:

Instead of this:

2.I spend hours on Itunes¬†looking up music to keep me pumped while I’m running

3. I walk around all day in this, because I don’t¬†want to get too dressed up in case I want to sneak in a run

Running day

4. I’m reading this:

Instead of this:

5.I’m more concerned if my food will energize me before, or replenish me after, a run than how many calories it has.

Post workout snack: Cottage cheese with cinnamon, PB, half a nanner with milk on the side

6. I take 2 showers a day and enjoy cold baths :p

7. My feet are covered in blisters ūüė¶

Lately I eat 5 meals a day, whatever I want, whever I want, and my body feels better than ever!! Unfortunately in the past 2 weeks the scale went up 6 pounds!! I think a lot of it was careless Labor day partying, but it definitely woke me up!! I have to take some control.

Considering all that I put my body through the past 9 months (bingeing, laxatives, water pills, diet pills), it’s no¬†surprise it really doesn’t¬†know how to lose weight anymore. I’m¬†always hungry and my body wants to hold on to every morsel in fear I’ll starve it again!!

Thankfully after 3 months of abstaining from all those horrible habits, my hunger/ full cues are slowly coming back. Not only that but eating real foods has really changed how I feel for the better.

“But as for you, be strong and courageous, for your work will be rewarded” 2 Chronicles 15:7

What is the best type of running shoe? any tips on how to run for longer periods of time? How do you keep going when you’re soo tired you’re about to drop??

Labor Day part 3

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Day three of my threekend at the lake was almost wore me out!!

okay sooo I was really tired!!

I woke up to my phone rapping at me (my alarm is Best Love Song by chris brown) and immediatley hit the snooze. I re-woke up 20 minutes later to my friend dragging me out my bed by my toes. To help me awaken and recharge my sore and sunburned body we made pancakes!!

Mickey Mouse Panckes

I actually used this recipe and surprising my friends like them!!! We got up to the lake around 11 and had a blast. I have decided the next Jersey Shore season should be on Lake Murray ūüôā

Found the house for Jersey Shore:Lake Murray edition

“WATER CABS ARE HERREEE”

After it looked liked it may rain, we packed up around 330 and headed to find some grub.

McCalisters Sweet Chipotle Chicken salad

I immedeiatly went home and passed out afterward!! I was sooo sleepy! I woke up recharged and ready for some yoga. Jillian Michaels Yoga Burn gets me evertime!!

Daddy making fun of my Yoga ūüė¶

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Then I got a little carried away at the grocery store…..

grapes, nanners, apples, peaches, light honey wheat, cottage cheese, light pringles, puffed cereal

Spring mix, greek yog, shrooms, turkey, almond milk, and wayy in the back diet sweet tea (crack in a bottle)

I actually hate grocery shopping, im always afraid of picking out the wrong foods. This has too many carbs, that has too much sugar, wait those have alot of salt. Plus my Dad doesnt¬†really understand my healhty food choices. “Why do I have to play 2 more bucks for yogurt just becuase its greek??”

Whew glad thats over!! We ended up picking up some Shrimp for dinner (nom.com!!) which my mom and I ate inhaled and ran to watch The Closer (she has me addicted).

Salad with shrooms, purple onion, cuke, tomato, and Shrimp with raspberry dressing (I took the shrimp off and dipped them into salsa/taco sauce mixture)

After a brisk 3 miles late night walk and talk with my daddy I’m settling down with two of my favorite pals

Peach dipped in cottage cheese and cinnamon mixture

teeehee what did you think I was talking about?? People??

What did you end up doing for Labor Day?? I heard some schools actually had classes!!(uhh…Clemson) I hope you all had a great and safe holiday weekend!!

Junk Food Junkie

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Day 2 at of Labor Day threekend at the lake was A-MAZ-ING!!! My abs hurt from laughing so hard all day.

As much as I LOVE¬†my friends, I¬†have this irrational fear that one day they will just decide they don’t like me and move on. This happened with every friend I ever had except ONE!!!¬†It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. I have¬†a hard enough time making friends, I don’t want to lose them!!

ME and my BFFLS

I’m¬†super shy and have a hard time getting close to and opening up to people. I’m¬†always convinced I’m¬†not good enough for people because¬†I’m not skinny enough, pretty enough, or rich enough.

I know it’s somewhat¬†normal to grow apart from some people as we get older. but there’s¬†some people I just don’t see being able to live without…EVER!!

Anyway, I also enjoyed today because I just ate. No counting, measuring, waiting every 2 hours!! It was scary since I’m¬†trying to lose weight, but also freeing. I’ve¬†been dieting for 4 1/2 years straight, and its annoying!!! Todays eats probably aren’t¬†on anyone elses diet plan, but it makes me feel better than I’ve felt in years:

not pictured squeezable cheese

Fritos (not pictured cheese dip)

 

Doritos

FROYO with m&m and chocolate rocks

five guys grilled cheese for dinner

 

FROYO with M&m and chocolate rocks

 

 

 

Go Cocks

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Sitting here watching my Gamecocks play makes me realize….

I MISSED FOOTBALL SOOO MUCH!!!!We won 56-37!!!! GO COCKS!!!!

Today was a complete out-of-body¬†experience for me. I havent been able to let loose and have fun with friends without worrying¬†about my weight in years!! It’s especially¬†weird considering we were at the lake parading around in bathing suits!!

The day was filled with tubing, water skiing, tanning burning, and snacking ūüôā For me it feels wrong to just snack mindlessly and nutritionists¬†will tell you it is. Most people end up¬†consuming way¬†too many calories. For me its therapy,I can eat whenever¬†I’m hungry during the day, but none at night!! I have to learn not to “save” calories for a¬†late night binge.

Enough of me jabbering on, onto the fun stuff.

Tubing

feeding the ducks!!!

attracting ducks from everywhere (we ended up with 23 ducks!!)

Water Skiing...or falling

Breakfast was an apple and lunch was a mish-mash of all day snacking on goldfish, pretzel chips, baked tostitos scoops, and white chedder goldfish! Finally we left the lake and headed for the nearest restuarant for dinner and then some froyo while we watched the game of course ūüôā

Wendys NEW apple pecan salad SOOO GOOD!!!

 

Pistachio flavor with CapNCrunch, choc chips, and YOGURT CHIPS (my new favorite)

I will have to say this whole not binging at night thing royally stinks. The nice thing is that even thoughI ate the same amount of calories yesterday, because I didnt squeeze them all into one meal my stomach wasnt bloated today!! I didnt even want diet soda at the lake today because I didnt want the bloat!!

So excited to get to go back to the lake tomorrow for round 2!!!

“But the Lord said to Samuel, ‚ÄúDo not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.‚Ä̬†1¬†Samuel 16:7¬†¬†

 

Confession Time

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I have a confession to make. I have a secret, an odd, odd secret….

I like to eat dinner….alone

Why? I dont know, I dont know that Ill ever know!!

When¬†I do eat dinner with friends ¬†I still feel the odd urge to have that one snack/meal, by myself, late at night. This used to be when¬†I would binge!!As happy as I am that I have really reduced the binges, it time for it to stop…all of it.

If I am honest with myself, that snack/dinner is still my eating disorder intruding in my life. It can’t disguise itself anymore, I know it’s the eating disorder because I always have to do it alone (it loves seclusion) and it always has to be eaten super slow!! (so I have more time to spend with the Eating Disorder).

Tonight is¬†my first night. I’ve eaten dinner¬†and¬†now its time for bed, no ED date for me tonight!!!

Today I actually lived as a normal, young adult (what?? you mean I maturing?? NEVER!!!)

9:30 Got up, showered, did my hurr, ate breakfast

OIKOS YOGURT (my favorite!!!) and apple slices

11:15 went to work, got an iced starbucks coffee, goofed off with coworkers worked hard ūüėČ

2:30 got off work, ate snack (protein bar), got robbed got gas, went for a 2.5 mile run

Before and After!! Matching socks?? who needs those??

3:00 Died on the couch, drank a lake of water, ate snack #2 (cottage cheese+ grapes), got a showa, did my hurr again!!!!

4:30 got another iced Starbs, went back to work, goofed off some more ūüôā

8:00 parents came into the restaurant I work in, coworkers picked on me…

with the sister

9:00 let off work, sat down with the fam, ordered dinner, inhaled dinner:

too hungry to take a before pic....oops!!

11:00 Home, took off my mask of makeup, read blogs, stalked facebook, and going to bed!!!!

SOOO excited for tomorrow!! It’s the opening day of CAROLINA FOOOTBALLL!!!! The game is away so I’m off to the lake with my fam and invited some friends. I actually hate going to the lake because I had my body in a bathing suit, but its one of the last weekends we will be going, so why not?? If my friends decide they don’t like me because of my weight (doubt it) then I need some new friends!!

Since I’ve really committed myself to running (because the feeling afterward is sooo addicting!!) I have a few questions for all you experienced runners out there:

1. Best pre/post workout snack? Is it better to eat before or after you run or both? It’s hard for me to eat pre-run and after my run I feel weird eating anything. Didn’t I just work hard to burn all those calories??

2. When is the best time of day to run?

3. Do you do running intervals?run 2 minutes, walk 1 minute… maybe Im just out of shape ūüôā

“If South Carolina isn’t the essence of Southern hospitality, I don’t know what is. Those women sure know how to dress. Of course, in the South, a college football game is practically a formal event. Everyone (especially the ladies) gets all dolled up. But USC takes it to a whole new level. That football crowd is like something you would see in Vogue magazine”

-ESPN on Gameday visit to USC