A weird thing happened today….I found out my weight.
Afterward, the world didn’t end, I didn’t look any different, and I didn’t spontaneously combust….weird, right?
I haven’t known what I weigh since last August when a nurse accidentally told me I weighed 103 pounds. That was a weight I was okay with. Unfortunately,today, I didn’t like the number. I cried for about two hours straight afterward. No one seemed to understand how much it hurt me to know my weight. Even my sister told me to shut up and get over it because she wanted to sleep.
I haven’t weighed this much in 4 1/2 years!!! I actually thought I weighed less than what I really do, that’s definitely a first for me. After studying myself in the mirror, I still can’t believe what I weigh. Technically I’m not overweight, I’m about 5lbs over the norm for my height. So why does it bother me so much?!
Its also kind of freeing to know what I weigh. On the plus side, I can finally stand on a scale now. There’s no more guessing numbers. No more thinking I’m losing weight when I’m not. I faced a fear, and now its gone. It does seem crazy I spent so much time trying to guess my weight, when all I needed was a scale!!
It’s horrible how I let numbers completely define me. While shopping earlier, I was disgusted by my pant’s size. I left the store hating my body for not being the right “shape”. I hate how I gain all my weight in my stomach, yet I have string-bean legs and no butt (yea, jean shopping isn’t fun).
Between the past 8 months of bingeing and abusing my body, plus the 4 years of starving myself, and a year of binge eating before that, my weight has been all over. But the past 5 months of laxative abuse, really scared me into getting well.
After abusing laxatives for five months straight, I looked sick. Not underweight sick, just not well. My skin was turning yellow and my hair fell out again. Laxatives make you hold every ounce of water you take in, swelling you up like a balloon . In turn, your body gets none of the nutrients your taking in (which is why my hair was falling out).
I’ve finally realized that hating my body only makes the binge/ starvation cycle worse!! It’s a horrible cycle. You feel like you’re not good enough, not thin enough,or not pretty enough to deserve nice clothes, food, or even a shower (yep that last one happened to me too).The more I learn to love my body, the less I want to hurt it. The more I respect what my body can do for me, the more I want to take care of it. I want to make sure it’s fed the best food, gets as much exercise/rest it needs, and its groomed and washed everyday.
***I hate having negative posts, but this blog is about my journey, happy or sad!! I’m updating my recipe page today and I have a super exciting post tomorrow with some big news!!!
“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body“ 1 Corinthians 6:19-20