, , , ,

This week my best friend finally came home from her summer counseling job!!! Unfortunately, she only has two weeks before she leaves for college again. It’s really hard having my best friend go to school an hour away. We’ve tried to spend as much time together as possible while she’s here. I love spending time with her family too. Honestly her parents remind me of how my parents used to act. They have such strong faith in God, something my parents have somehow lost.

I was so excited when she invited me over for “family-night” last week. We ate pizza, went out for ice cream, and came back to pile on the couch and watch a PG movie. I know it seems like a lame way for two college girls to spend their Saturday night, but to me, it was perfect. I wish my family was more like this. I wish my family would stop fighting and yelling long enough to do ANYTHING for that matter.

Unfortunately, I lost my family four years ago…

My parents were never perfect, but none are. They made sure I was at church every Sunday and we said prayers every night. My Dad was a Deacon in the Chuch and my Mom taught Sunday School. Growing up, my Dad was my best friend. I always knew my parents loved me….they just had a different way of showing it. Whether it was sending me to a school they couldn’t afford or buying me new clothes every week, they always found a way to spend more money on me. To me, that was love. I mean, that’s the only love I knew.

Unfortunately, with an eating disorder comes medical bills, A LOT of medical bills. Then my Mom quit work to stay home and take care of me. My Dad was always too tired, too stressed, or too worried to work. When he did work, I interrupted by calling and begging him to come home. It was usually over something dumb, like my Mom not fixing my food “right.”

As they paid off medical bills, our lifestyle drastically changed. No more new cars, private schools, and expensive new clothes. Slowly but surely, my parents became unable to buy my love. Without all those monetary items I really began to feel like my parents hated me. They really didn’t know any other way to show love. That coupled with the stress they were under made for a lot of fighting. It got even worse when my weight plummeted again last August. The second time around there was no money left for any more medical bills. So their stress grew.

My parents and I had our fair share of arguments before the disorder, but slowly our fights are becoming more abusive, physically and vocally. Even though I’m a healthy weight, the money issues are still there. Plus, what many don’t realize, is a healthy weight doesn’t mean a healthy girl. I’m still recovering, which means there’s still tension.

I wish my story had a happy ending. Like “I got better and my parents and I fixed all the problems between us.” Unfortunately, we haven’t gotten there yet. Truthfully, I don’t really know if we will ever be there.

The only good news is I don’t blame myself anymore. If my dad is so mad that he needs to take it out on me, it’s not my fault. Eating disorders are not a choice, and this certainly is not what I wanted. All I can do now is be thankful.

Thankful my parents have not divorced. Thankful my sister still forgives me even though she doesn’t understand. And thankful that I do have one perfect Father who’s never too tired or too stressed. He’s always patient, always listens, and always forgives. And He will somehow find His way back into my parent’s hearts and bring my family back together.

But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26