Yea, I titled this post from Taylor Swift lyrics. I can’t help the fact she has a song for every situation though!! Anyway, this post is a little heavy. I promise to have more lighthearted post in the future. Right now I’m just dealing with some tough stuff…
“I think you should take some time off school”
Most college kids would love to hear those 9 words, they would love to hear someone suggest they take a semester to just focus on themselves. They would relish in the fact they didn’t have to deal with any of the stresses of life for a while. It would be great to have no responsibility, nowhere to be, no papers to write, and no test to study for.
For me, those words are like a death sentence. For me, it means four long months of living a secluded life…at home… with. my. parents!! No sorority parties, no catching up with friends over lunch, no study group all-nighters in the lib, basically drowning in Starbucks. No rush week, no tanning on the Horseshoe, and no football games running around the stadium until 3am trying to find the tailgates.
For me, college has always been fun. I love my friends, my sorority sisters, even the fact my parents only live 20 minutes from campus if I need them. College didn’t exactly go like I planned it to, but that just goes to show Gods plans are far superior to mine. Growing up in a house of orange and purple, I always knew I would go to Clemson,or Duke, or UNC. I had always made straight A’s in school, so the sky was the limit. I had everything planned out!!!
What I hadn’t planned on was my eating disorder. It took over my life during sophomore year and it still hasn’t let go. I dropped out of my prestigious private high school and enrolled in public school, so I could do my assignments from home. By the time I graduated, I hadn’t stepped into a school in over 2 and 1/2 years!! The thought of leaving home was out of the question. I applied to a big university about 20 minutes from home so I could live with my parents. After rushing a sorority and making a ton of new friends, I finally got healthy… well physically healthy.
I never went to a clinic or really got any help, except for my psychiatrist. Sure, I ate and all my blood work looked fine. What I never came to terms with is the “why“. Why did I starve myself? Why was I so scared to gain weight? Why have I never felt good enough? Why am I so, so, SO scared to just grow up??
After gaining all the weight back in a matter of months, I had a new way to cope with my problems, eating…ALOT!! What was once anorexia had now turned into a full-fledged binge eating disorder. Since I was at a healthy weight, I no longer had doctors or anyone to answer to. I hid in my room, so ashamed of my weight, I only came out to go to class (where I talked to no one). I avoided my friends and family like the plague. The isolation fed my depression and made me feel just as lonely as I had in high school. It took 7 months of feeling sorry for myself, eating everything in sight, and getting addicted to laxatives until I finally sought help. I joined a gym, actually started showering again, and talked to my friends.
Now this therapist, who had only known me an hour, was suggesting I walk away from my life again??!! I wanted to throw myself back into my studies and starve myself back to the weight I was before. Then, I would once again, be in control of my life. I would LOOK thin, I would sound nice, and I would smile at all the right people. I would once again LOOK like I had everything together. Deep down I knew she was right, it was time to stop pretending. It is time to finally get well.
Next week is sorority rush week at school, I SHOULD be there. I SHOULD be there to take a little and make her cute gifts. I SHOULD be moving out of my parents house and into an apartment with all my friends.
Then again, I SHOULD HAVE gotten well a long time ago. I SHOULD HAVE listened to my parents instead stealing, taking laxatives, and eating cookies by the box loads. Too bad I didn’t.
Now I’m sitting here, unhappy with my weight, nervous what all my friends and sisters will think, and inside my parents house!! I know God lets things happen to make us stronger. I know that when I return to school in January, I’ll be a better person than I was before. And I know that God will be right there holding my hand the entire way.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29: 11
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6